The first day of my life happened on a brisk October morning.  

It was to say ok to and to accept the things that from the beginning had no business of being railed so hard against.

It’s alright—in the end it is just a damn epiphany.

The exact moment happened very clearly.

Sitting at my desk, while reading this article.

Not ‘clearly’ in the sense that I am now reflecting on the weird significance after the moment but was in actually in the moment.

It startled me. 

The overwhelming urge to burst into tears and throw up.

At the same time. 

It is similar to a feeling I had 5 months ago.

When making the decision to ultimately end our relationship.

In the end, for reasons I won’t go into here—there were simply no other options.

There was nothing left I could do–even at the most basic of levels of relationship support.

We had effectively strangled the life out of it.

We worked ourselves into a corner and couldn’t fight our way out of this one.

In a way, it was simple.

And no, it wasn’t the Robert Frost poem.

We tried valiantly.

Twice.

This time, we struck out

I was standing in the bedroom.

You still in bed.

I decided to call it.

The time of death before 8 am on a week-work-a-day morning.

There were no tears.

The words fell from my lips, as a newly stated matter of fact.

It was a clean sort of break.

Or so I thought.

The tears wouldn’t show up until days later and they didn’t stop for weeks.

Months, actually. 

Before I knew it, three months had passed.

I went to work. I went home.

I made, cooked, and baked in the kitchen all weekend long.

Not once, during entire weekends, would I hold a conversation with anyone else beside the dog.

It felt normal, a strange comforting sort of happiness.

This kind of happiness had become my defense mechanism.

Before I knew it, the time had come to make my way back to the state of my birth for my father’s birthday.

Upon my return from the long birthday weekend, I fell apart all over again.

During this time all the imagined security and safety came apart at the seams.

It was about more than just “the relationship.”

It was about all my relationships.

At some point in the last several years I decided “everyone else” wasn’t safe and had effectively, created my own little island.

This time the vantage point, the view, the perspective had been altered. Permanently.

Little did I know that the severity of the situation would reveal itself in the kitchen.

I had figured lying on the bathroom floor, trying to sort things out in my head with no perception of time passing for hours on end was as bad as it could get. Boy, was I wrong. 

All those weekends alone were the glue holding everything together and once I had stopped moving at break neck speed it all unraveled.

So when it started to slowly reveal itself in the kitchen, it appeared as a stubborn recipe for flatbread.

I thought nothing of it. 

It’s me. It’s me trying to bake. What the hell else is new?

Eventually it appeared as though every learned skill had been forgotten.

I was looking up how to do techniques that I’ve done a hundred times before—I lost my focus.

Then it kept spreading to even the simplest of recipes failed–after repeated attempts. The realization sank in this had, in fact, been going for weeks–long before the damn flatbread. 

It is getting better.

I am finding the words

(and I may never finish finding the words). 

I am finding the skill to cook/bake again.

There are small, pleasant almost comforting surprises too.

They come in unexpected packages and are the kind of joy that is revealed when a butternut squash risotto tastes strikingly similar to the best macaroni and cheese you ever did eat.

It is almost as if that needed to happen.

In the end, it had to happen.

Simple.

Rich, earthy.

Butternut risotto delicious.

Butternut + Mushroom Risotto with Sage

Cook time: 20 mins

Prep time: 10 mins

Yield: enough for 4

2 cups chicken broth

1 cup water

2 tbsp unsalted butter

¼ yellow onion, minced

4 cloves garlic, minced

4 ounces white button mushrooms, finely chopped

1 cup Arborio rice

1 lb butternut squash, roasted and mashed

10 sages leaves, finely chopped

6 sprigs thyme, stems removed-finely chopped.

¼ tsp ground marjoram

1/3 cup white wine

a pinch of saffron

juice from ½ lemon, about a tbsp.

½ cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano

Break out a small stockpot, heat broth and water over medium low heat.

In a medium saucepan, toss in the butter until melted and then add onions and garlic.

Cover onions and garlic, let sweat over medium/high heat until translucent, about 5 mins.

Go ahead and toss in your finely chopped mushrooms. Stir to combine, covered and let sweat another 3 mins.

Now y’all can add in your Arborio rice. Stir until rice is well coated in the buttered onion, garlic, and mushroom mixture. Next add the butternut squash, all the herbs and stir until well combined. Pour in wine, add the pinch of saffron and lemon juice.

Cook and stir rice mixture until it the wine is completely absorbed.

Remember the broth water mixture you’ve warmed up/kept warm?

Good.

Now add just enough broth to cover the rice mixture and continue cooking until it is just absorbed. Once it is absorbed, adding just enough broth again to cover the mixture and continue to stir.

Repeat this process until all/most of the liquid is used up, about 20 mins.

Taste the rice each time you add more broth. The rice should be tender but firm—al dente. It should be creamy and appear/be moist.

Remove from heat and add in the Parmigiano-reggiano.

Add salt to taste.

Serve, c’est fini!

(For Sam. Thank you for helping me to the find the words.)