You know, I got to be honest with y'all. 

I’ve never had a thing for dolmades.

Most of the ones I’ve tried are mostly vegetarian and have varying ingredients: rice, pine nuts and spices. Others have rice, pine nuts, spices and currants. Then there are those that are first one but they add the egg/yogurt lemon sauce in the rice mixture.

Not a fan of those.

AT.

ALL. 

Then there’s the ones that are the first mixture with addition of tomato sauce but no pine nuts. Never pine nuts and tomatoes in the same the same grape leaf.

NEVER.

And then there are these. 

The only ones I could/can ever really get on board with: rice, spice, pine nuts and meat. Usually either beef or lamb or a mixture of the two. 

Damnit.

They’re good. 

Sounds unimpressive: grape leaves stuffed with things. 

Yeah cause if you look up the translation of dolma, it means: “stuffed things." 

So if you ever find yourself in that situation.

Just know that you’re right on. 

"Excuse me? 

Could you please pass the stuffed things?”

Why, yes.

Yes, I will…

The term actually applies to every possible stuffed thing: squash, peppers, grape leaves.

Did I ever share with y'all that my first introduction to these grape leaves  stuffed with starchy meat delicious were the one of many happy culinary pursuits while dating a Armenian guy? 

Mmm. That guy. 

That guy made the hell out of some dolmades.

Also introduced me to the real fruit leather, Bastegh. The first one I ever tried was apple but generally grape or apricot is the norm.

Insane. 

Made by hand fruit leather. 

Yeah, that’s another blog post.

There were also countless breads, twisted and folded into perfect shapes, washed in egg, sprinkled with sesame seeds or poppy seeds.

Golden, buttery, and rich.

I would eat (most of) an entire batch. 

The cookies, well, the cookies.

There was one cookie that I adored.

But it was intense.  

Dry. Real Dry. 

Almond and cinnamon intense. 

Somewheres between a sandie and actual sand texture but shit they were so good. Sure, Armenian guy was offended by the analogy but eventually we made it a challenge just to get

a) friends to try them and b) a good laugh. 

The challenge? 

Eat (just) one cookie. 

Without. A glass of water. 

Endless victims of these cookies. In the end, everyone loved and wanted not only a glass of water but more cookies (and more water).  

Of course, there was Pahlava/Bakalava in which the preferred nut (besides myself) was pistachios instead of almonds. The honey syrup also was not infused with lemon or cinnamon in the recipe he made.

Delicious, nonetheless. 

Needless to say, this was the perfect (culinary) relationship.

I didn’t have to spend endless hours in the kitchen…making food I adore. 

I could just eat. 

And eat I did. 

I guess you could say in this relationship I truly was fat and happy as I was at one point damn near 20 lbs more than my current weight. I didn’t care. Every time I opened the fridge I nearly emptied it of its contents. 

Pure bliss. 

How’s that for a trip not-down-your-memory-lane?

Back to the point.

Wait, what was the point? 

Ahh, yes. 

The point was I didn’t really like dolmades. 

Until. Until that guy. 

There’s nothing like drinking Sambuca in an un-air conditioned kitchen–not even a window unit–with back door open on hot Summer night with someone desperately trying to teach me how to roll the damn grape leaves. 

“Not too tight–they’ll burst when we cook them!”

There were lots of fatalities in that pot of dolmades. 

We scooped/ate them with our hands when they were ready. 

And at that point, only slightly inebriated, I vowed that would be the first and last time I would make them. Best to leave it to the professionals.

Until now.

So after my most recent trip to the FL of A, all inspired by Mediterranean/Greek/Middle Eastern foods, I did find a jar of grape leaves (from Lord knows when) in the back of my cabinet and thought to myself, “Why the fuck not?" 

I have ground beef and ground goat from Ryals Dairy/Rocking R Ranch. 

I also had recently refreshed the supply of local rice. 

And what if–if I had the time–I could just inquire/pilfer some muscadine leaves from a few places. In the end, the fresh grape leaf idea failed for no other reason than shear laziness. 

Then I decided almost immediately: 

a) this is overly ambitious. 

b) i just didn’t want to ask.

The asking posed more of the problem than anything. 

I just didn’t want that discussion to happen: explain my need for the leaves, harvest the leaves, and really?

…really in the end mostly likely jinx myself thereby having to explain why my not so badass self as to why they the entire pot of dolmades (of which I am sure I would’ve promised some to the owner of the leaves) just didn’t fucking work out.

Like the last time I made them.

Years ago.  

Yeah, just use the damn jar of leaves regardless of their questionable age. 

In the end, I believe my completely fabricated superstitiousness worked. 

Out of one jar of leaves–I lost only one. 

That. 

And this video probably set me right. 

I secretly hope to be this couple.

Wait, I am kind of. 

Already, mostly there. 

Really?

Really.

On with the show… 

Prep time: 30 mins (including the rolling of the dang things)

Cook time: 2 hours – don’t freak! 

Yield: about 30 stuffed leaves, dolmades

Here’s y'alls ingredients

1 medium yellow onion, finely chopped

½ bulb fennel, chopped 

4 cloves garlic, finely chopped

1 lb ground goat–Ryals’ is delicious

1 cup jasmine rice

2 ounces pine nuts

1 ¾ cup chicken broth 

½ bunch parsley, chopped

½ bunch dill, chopped

6 sprigs mint, leaves only–chopped 

2 tbsp olive oil

1 tsp paprika

1 tsp ground mustard

½ tsp allspice

juice from 2 lemons

1 (8 oz) jar grape leaves, stems (located at the base) removed. 

First things first, break out the grape leaves, medium bowl and tea kettle.

Heat up some water until just boiling. 

Open up the jar of grape leaves and drain as much brine off as possible and very carefully get a good grip on the first quarter of leaves–carefully, gently pull them out. They are folded/packed fairly tightly.

Lay them in the middle bowl and pour the hot water over top.

Set aside for up to 20 mins.

Now break out the saute pan.

Add a few tbsp olive oil.

Throw in the onion, garlic, and fennel. Cover with lid and let sweat for 8 to

10 mins until translucent. Stir occasionally. 

Once they are ready remove them from the heat and set aside.

In large pan combine the rest of ingredients, yes dry rice and uncooked meat. Herbs. Everything.

Add ½ tsp of both salt + pepper. 

Except for the grape leaves.

Mix rice, meat, herbs, until well combined. 

The rice meat mixture should be moist and hold together when say you try to roll it between your hands the same way you would a meatball. If not, add a bit of olive oil. Test it again to see if it holds together. 

Set aside.

Now it is time to drain the grape leaves. 

Give them a quick rinse. 

And get ready to roll. 

Get out your dutch oven or wide shallow pot out. 

Lay the leaves shiny side down. 

Place a small amount maybe a tbsp or two of rice mixture onto the leaf at the bottom, near where the stem used to be. Roll from the bottom, tucking the sides in like an envelope, and continue to roll. 

Remember, "not too tightly!”

Just loose enough to stay together. 

Place into the dutch oven seam side down. Pack em in kinda tight. They should be snug but not squished/bulging under the weight of their neighbor. 

Keep doing this until all the leaves are rolled. 

Fill with enough stock or water until they are just covered with liquid.

This my friends depends on the size of y'alls pot. 

Mine used exactly 1 can (or 1 ¾ cups) chicken stock. 

Here’s a good trick place a heavy plate on top of the dang dolmades.

The plate should be beside high heat proof, kinda heavy and cover most of the dolmades in the pot.

Place the pot on the stove top over medium high heat.

Once it comes to a boil, reduce heat to low and cover with lid. 

Cook until nearly all the water is absorbed it could take anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. 

Check em every so often (without lifting the lid) and see how things are going. 

Once, they are ready remove from heat and allow to rest for 10 mins without the lid. 

Y'all can serve them once they cooled a bit, at room temp, or straight from the fridge. 

That’s how I like to eat em. 

At damn near midnight, one after the other from the fridge to my face.